Don’t Be Me

Are you happy living there?  The magic question I am asked all the time.  I was happy living here.  I was very happy living here and then I started opening myself up to people and allowing people to get to know Me.  Then I became unhappy living here.  I suppose you can say I am happy here as long as I follow these guidelines which so many people have been kind enough to share with me. This is not just one or two people, this is a weekly, almost daily thing from people I encounter, randomly meet and grow to know.  I was happy here until too many people started telling me not to be me.

Apparently I am too emotional because I express and talk about how I feel.  Being direct and telling people how you feel so there is no confusion is wrong here.  I am not to be happy or sad or angry or anything really.  That is too much – I am suppose to just be.

Apparently I am too critical because I observe things and tell it how I see it.  Which observing something and telling how I see things doesn’t mean at all that I don’t approve or see it as wrong or faulty.  So with this, I am very confused on how that is critical.  Yet the words “You are too critical.” is exactly what I am told.

Apparently being direct, open and honest is wrong here and I need to ‘chill’.  Being lied to, cheated and hurt over and over again and expressing I am displeased about this, in addition to holding people accountable for their actions is in fact my fault.  Accountability for your actions of what you do to other people does not exist.

Apparently I am not to be me.  That’s what will help me fit in and be accepted.  I shouldn’t express myself, have an opinion or hold anyone accountable for their actions and all will be happy and great in this world.  Sounds great, eh?  I would never tell people how they need to be or how to live.  So perhaps what amazes me most is how appropriate people think it is to tell others how I should live.  Especially when it has no direct impact on their life!

Interestingly enough it is men here, only men, and a lot of them, who have told me this is how I need to be.  This makes me question; Is the need to repress women here that much and it has just taken me this long realized this and completely experience it?  Honestly, it is begining to make me miserable.  But in the same hand, I find it quite fascinating these men believe they need that much power where they feel the need to tell women how they feel they should be.




The battle continues as I fight to keep me.
Regaining my happiness we will see.
Being true to myself will set me free.
But can only happen if you let me be. 





​Some would even tell me not to write this, or ask ‘why, why would you write something like this?’ The honest answer is, because this is what I experience on an every single day basis.  It starts to put wear and tear on you.  It starts to make you afraid to be the person you really are.  It begins to paralyze you and make you second guess yourself.  I find human behavior fascinating and want to understand why men feel the need to do this relentlessly and if other women experience this as well.

I started writing years ago when people began asking me to write because they wanted to read about all the places I went and things I did.  So I wrote because people wanted it.  Soon I began to love it and enjoyed sharing my stories.  It helped me look at the world differently.

I have always been someone who loves different.  I love how people have different thoughts from one another, live lives in ways I could never imagine.  That is what makes this world so beautiful.  I have always respected people for living their life how they want as long as they were true to their self and didn’t purposefully hurt others while doing it.  Apparently I am wrong for appreciating those things as well. I am not suppose to appreciate simple and different or the daily things in life.

Loving and living in this country has been something I have taken pride in for endless reasons. It is an amazing and beautiful place to be.  What I love so much about it is how different every state is; in the way of life, language and culture.  It is things like this which have made me feel like home. However, the feeling of having people try to take away the freedom of letting me be me is not a good feeling at all.  Something I have never experienced in all my life until over the past year. This is what is slowly starting to chip away at me and I don’t like it.

This is what I struggle with.  This is what makes me unhappy about living here.  Only time will tell how long I can endure it or find a balance to live with this constant battle.  As hurtful as it is to battle this every single day, I find it ironic because everything I am told I am ‘too much’ this or that or how I need to be one way or the other – it is exactly what I don’t want to be.

Life should be lived, enjoyed, appreciated, respected…it is precious; from the small simple daily rituals to the big momentous acts in life.


Dishonoring Honor

In life there is constant change. Sometimes change works with us or against us. In life we grow. Just as a child who outgrows his shoes as he gets bigger, we grow emotionally, spiritually and intellectually. In life we have relationships. Some of these relationships are for guiding us through stages of our lives and other to simply make us laugh and put a smile on our face on a bad day, while others are bound by blood. We have ones who are kindred and ones which are short or long term.

As we grow and change, why is that we feel the need to keep those in our lives who don’t nurture our growth and change? Why do we feel the need to stay unhealthily attached, which results in the gradual buildup of resentment and distrust? Why have we allowed society to pressure us into feeling that dishonoring our true self and living a lie the honorable thing to do? Would any God want us to suffer? Would any parent want their child to live a life of unhappiness? Would any vow taken promising to honor and be true be broken when you choose to be honest that you have changed? Or is living a lie honoring a vow?

​I suppose the question is, have we lost the meaning of what honor means? I would rather Screen Shot 2017-06-08 at 3.34.24 PMlive a life being honest and true to myself than live a lie dishonoring someone else, hurting us both. The pain of honesty is something much easier to heal from than the pain of knowing someone selfishly wasted my life in order to thoughtlessly live a lie they felt they needed to commit to.

To steal someone the gift of being loved by someone who is genuinely in love with them; affectionately, compassionately and passionately is nothing short of cruel. This is an unforgivable act, beyond a level of unjust action which no man or woman could begin to justify in their right mind. It is simply inhumane. ​
Life is short and precious. Life is filled with joy and excitement and often it is unkind. However, one thing we are given is choice…even when we think we don’t, we have to choice to take action, we have the choice to make change. What we often lack which is what makes us feel stuck is our inability to create a solution. Think of how often we make pressure of ‘responsibility’ and ‘obligation’ our excuse for living a lie which affects the lives of many and simply because the inability to be creative.

Each and every one of us was given life. We are our own Self. Selfish is not a bad thing, yet once again society has pressured us to believe that selfishness is always bad. Being true and honest with yourself is often mistaken for selfishness. Going against the grain more times than not creates restlessness and unhappiness which is often acted out in destructive ways eventually. Which is more destructive; to be honest with yourself or to live a lie toward others?
At the end of the day when it’s all said and done, would you feel like you have missed out on something special? Did you live a life knowing something was missing? Did you have something in your world you wanted, you could have had, you knew it would give you happiness in a way which made your heart warm just thinking about it…and did you allow yourself to have it? If you didn’t, you missed out one the entire meaning of life.
Honor, a powerful word, and an even more meaningful way to live if we lived out the meaning. To live with honor means we first must learn to honor our Self. Only then can we live a more enriched life, filled with more meaningful and healthier relationships with the people we have in our lives. Imagine a far better world and happier lives for us all if we all learned to live with honor.

No One

Life takes us through many phases, ones which bring people in and out of our lives. Throughout our existence we develop relationships with certain ones whom which we create a bond. Regardless of how you want to define it they are Someone to you. Something exciting happens in your day and you want to call them to share the news. If a grievous event happens and without hesitation they are by your side. That Someone is important to you and at times you feel as if you couldn’t live without. This doesn’t mean there has to be only one Someone, there could be one whom which you share the same interests, one who works in the same industry as you, but regardless, these special people in your life are the ones you think of first, you go to, you share the laughter and the tears with and are cherished.

I am No One. I am not the one you think of in these moments of joy and pain. I am not the one who you think to share your funny story of the day. I am No One. As I write this, I am sure you will immediately jump to defense that this is not true, how can it be because I am loved. I know I am loved, never did I say I wasn’t. But the truth of the matter is, I am nobody’s somebody. That is the truth. How did this become? It is a harrowing feeling to live with.

Once I was Someone, but now I am not…an afterthought as you move down the list. I do not seek pity from reality, I am just expressing what is. Sad really, because I have great ears if you need someone to just listen. I can give an opinion without judgement if that is what you need. I laugh…I love to laugh. I love…it’s one of the greatest gifts one can give. I have lived out many adventures throughout the world have many stories to share. I am a dreamer, an expressionist, a communicator and an explorer, but I am not Someone.

I sit surrounded by these grey walls as No One as the beauty I once saw in this wondrous life is growing bleak. Certainly living like this I will not become Someone anytime soon. The quandary it is how to break this cycle. I cry, but I am told not to. I express my feelings of loneliness, but I am told to just be happy. I am not understood, but I suppose I never really have been throughout my life. A lonely way to live.

A thought came to me the other day; Would people notice if I disappeared? The honest answer would be, that it would take several days, perhaps a week or two before anyone realized. Before you jump to think I am crazy, step back and look at your life. When would someone notice if you stepped off the grid? For anyone who knows me, think of what I am to you, because I am certainly not your Someone. That is okay, it’s not a guilt trip or anything said to make you feel bad. I just speak the truth.

I am loved. I have family who cares. I have friends I enjoy sharing my time and doing things with. I have fun. I care passionately for my family and call as much as I can, fore there are many of them and only one of me so covering them all every day is impossible. But I pick up the phone once a day to call someone in my family, because they are my Someone. I pick up the phone once a day to call a friend because they are Someone too. But me…I am No One and that’s the simple truth.

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