Are you happy living there? The magic question I am asked all the time. I was happy living here. I was very happy living here and then I started opening myself up to people and allowing people to get to know Me. Then I became unhappy living here. I suppose you can say I am happy here as long as I follow these guidelines which so many people have been kind enough to share with me. This is not just one or two people, this is a weekly, almost daily thing from people I encounter, randomly meet and grow to know. I was happy here until too many people started telling me not to be me.
Apparently I am too emotional because I express and talk about how I feel. Being direct and telling people how you feel so there is no confusion is wrong here. I am not to be happy or sad or angry or anything really. That is too much – I am suppose to just be.
Apparently I am too critical because I observe things and tell it how I see it. Which observing something and telling how I see things doesn’t mean at all that I don’t approve or see it as wrong or faulty. So with this, I am very confused on how that is critical. Yet the words “You are too critical.” is exactly what I am told.
Apparently being direct, open and honest is wrong here and I need to ‘chill’. Being lied to, cheated and hurt over and over again and expressing I am displeased about this, in addition to holding people accountable for their actions is in fact my fault. Accountability for your actions of what you do to other people does not exist.
Apparently I am not to be me. That’s what will help me fit in and be accepted. I shouldn’t express myself, have an opinion or hold anyone accountable for their actions and all will be happy and great in this world. Sounds great, eh? I would never tell people how they need to be or how to live. So perhaps what amazes me most is how appropriate people think it is to tell others how I should live. Especially when it has no direct impact on their life!
Interestingly enough it is men here, only men, and a lot of them, who have told me this is how I need to be. This makes me question; Is the need to repress women here that much and it has just taken me this long realized this and completely experience it? Honestly, it is begining to make me miserable. But in the same hand, I find it quite fascinating these men believe they need that much power where they feel the need to tell women how they feel they should be.
The battle continues as I fight to keep me.
Regaining my happiness we will see.
Being true to myself will set me free.
But can only happen if you let me be.
Some would even tell me not to write this, or ask ‘why, why would you write something like this?’ The honest answer is, because this is what I experience on an every single day basis. It starts to put wear and tear on you. It starts to make you afraid to be the person you really are. It begins to paralyze you and make you second guess yourself. I find human behavior fascinating and want to understand why men feel the need to do this relentlessly and if other women experience this as well.
I started writing years ago when people began asking me to write because they wanted to read about all the places I went and things I did. So I wrote because people wanted it. Soon I began to love it and enjoyed sharing my stories. It helped me look at the world differently.
I have always been someone who loves different. I love how people have different thoughts from one another, live lives in ways I could never imagine. That is what makes this world so beautiful. I have always respected people for living their life how they want as long as they were true to their self and didn’t purposefully hurt others while doing it. Apparently I am wrong for appreciating those things as well. I am not suppose to appreciate simple and different or the daily things in life.
Loving and living in this country has been something I have taken pride in for endless reasons. It is an amazing and beautiful place to be. What I love so much about it is how different every state is; in the way of life, language and culture. It is things like this which have made me feel like home. However, the feeling of having people try to take away the freedom of letting me be me is not a good feeling at all. Something I have never experienced in all my life until over the past year. This is what is slowly starting to chip away at me and I don’t like it.
This is what I struggle with. This is what makes me unhappy about living here. Only time will tell how long I can endure it or find a balance to live with this constant battle. As hurtful as it is to battle this every single day, I find it ironic because everything I am told I am ‘too much’ this or that or how I need to be one way or the other – it is exactly what I don’t want to be.
Life should be lived, enjoyed, appreciated, respected…it is precious; from the small simple daily rituals to the big momentous acts in life.
Lost in a dark storm.
Clouds lifted with nothing left.
Nothing left to feel.
Wounded unable to get up.
A path to move forward.
Cannot return to what once was.
Poisoned, pain, ill-fated.
Moving forward and not looking back.
Quest for change.
Stumbled upon the unexpected.
A second chance.
Brought back to life, reignited.
Learning to dance again.
Shackles unlocked, able to move.
New rains wash away the pain.
Naked new brightness of light.
Forging a new path for the same journey.
Inspired by music, this is what what has moved me. LISTEN WHILE READING